May 3, 2009
The day it hit me was a Sunday when Noah was just three. Noah was being a back-seat driver. I was driving home from church and had a lot on my mind. Here’s the conversation I recorded at the time:
“Mommy, there was a red light and you didn’t stop. Why didn’t you stop at the red light, Mommy?”
“That light wasn’t for us, it was for somebody else.”
“For who somebody else?”
“For some other drivers. Noah, trust me, that red light was not for us.”
“But, Mommy, you didn’t stop. Why didn’t you stop at that red light?”
“I told you, Noah, that light wasn’t for us, it was pointed in the direction of some other drivers.”
“But I saw the red light and red light means stop. Why didn’t you stop at the red light?”
Now I’m exasperated, “Noah, forget it. I promise I know how to drive.”
A long pause. Then Noah gets in the last word as my backseat driver, “Just don’t crash into anything – only crash into the road.”
That’s when it hit me: I was teaching my kid how to be a teenager. Something about my own abrupt answers to repetitive questions gave me a flashback to the days when I was a teenager, giving abrupt answers to my parents or boring Sunday School teachers. I remember times when I was a teenager and my parents wanted to talk, but I didn’t. The more abrupt my answers, the more questions they asked in an effort to get some insight.
Soon after the driving incident, I caught myself doing it again - giving my son his daily lesson on how to be a classic American teenager.
Me: “Your babysitter is coming tonight so Daddy and I can go to this nice party.”
Toddler: “Why can’t I come?”
I had a sudden vision of the future…
Teenager: “Just drop me off at the party, you don’t have to come in and meet everybody.”
Me: “What’s wrong with me just coming in for a few minutes?” (in other words, “Why can’t I come?)
Since that time, I have started to see evidence everywhere. For example, my kids get up regularly everyday, always before 7:00 AM, even if they have been up late. They never let me sleep in! In the future, it will be me, goading my teenager to get out of bed, and they will think I never let THEM sleep in!
Now I get grumpy and unresponsive if my kids wake me up too early. In the future it will be my teenagers, grumpy and unresponsive with the same excuse. Now it is me needing to get away from my toddler to be with my friends, to keep sane with some “adult conversation.” In the future it will be my teenager wanting to slip away from family activities to spend time with his friends, to keep sane. Am I teaching my kids all these habits now, in the impressionable age, so that they will mimic me in the years to come?
Mother of Toddler
- Never gets to sleep-in
- Often woken up (too early) by Toddler
- Often stays up late to avoid Toddler
- Needs escape-time from Toddler
- Often feels exasperated by Toddler
- Feels that Toddler demands too much info (at times)
- Feels that Toddler asks silly, unanswerable,repetitive questions (at times)
- Feels that Toddler can’t understand what she feels, or think on the same level
- “Let Mommy have a rest”
- Acts and talks differently when she is with friends and away from Toddler
- Sees Toddler as irrational
- Sees Toddler as needing to change, to become Civilized and have Manners
- Thinks that she is in a position to occasionally make exceptions to established rules. (We’re not going to do the bedtime routine tonight! or, I get to eat in the living room when guests are here! Or, I know when it’s OK to say "stupid")
Teenager
- Doesn’t get to sleep-in enough
- Often woken up (too early) by Parents
- Often stays up late to avoid Parents
- Needs escape-time from Parents
- Often feels exasperated by Parents
- Often feels that Parent demands too much info, too many details
- Feels that Parent asks obvious or repetitive questions (at times)
- Feels that Parent can’t understand what he feels, doesn’t think the same way
- “Just leave me alone”
- Acts and talks differently when he is with friends and away from Parents
- Sees Parents as alien, doesn’t get their logic
- Sees Parents as needing to change, to “get with it”
- Thinks that he is in a position to occasionally make exceptions to established rules. (curfew)
It all goes to show that being a Teenager might not be an age as much as it is an attitude – the attitude of not wanting as much of someone else as they want of you. (One time I counted one of my toddlers saying “Mommy” 22 times in 4 minutes of conversation.)
What does this mean for me as a parent? Maybe I’m just getting a chance to show God and myself that I have repented of my own teenage snobbery. And, maybe it’s not too late to undo my kids’ accidental Teenager Training. I’m trying to curb my exasperation, and talk to my kids without the condescending tone of voice. They might do the same for me someday.
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