Interviews

Few parenting ideas – no, it would be more accurate to say that NO OTHER parenting idea has ever come to me with more force than the idea of doing regular interviews with my kids. This is a rather recent idea (within the last year) but I feel that if I weren’t to do it, God would hold me personally responsible. I plan on being consistent with interviews until each of my kids leaves the house. Maybe longer…

I do an interview with two of my kids one Sunday, and then my other two kids on the next Sunday. I remember by writing their names in my planner with a box around them. I have their boxed names written in my calendar on each Sunday for months ahead of time.

I don’t have a time of day scheduled, but they usually happen in the evening. If Sunday doesn’t work out, then they happen on Monday night after FHE.

Perhaps one reason that this idea hit me with such force, is that I never challenged my assumption that interviews were only a male/priesthood assignment. I guess that I needed a clonk on the head to notice the fact that I can give interviews, too.

Mike likes the idea of interviews, and whenever he’s home, he does them with me. I love having him do interviews with me because he brings the Spirit into the conversation in such a strong way. But, I’ve done interviews many times on my own when he’s gone, and, to be frank, even when we do them together, I’m the one who remembers to makes interviews happen. I think this is just fine. He has other amazing parenting ideas and inspirations – things that he remembers to make happen.

When we do interviews, we each sit on one side of our kid, snuggled on our bedroom couch. The door is closed and everyone, including baby, are outside. Sometimes we pray first, and sometimes not. And then what happens? We simply talk. Unstructured.

There are, however, two things that I always bring up at some point in the conversation: 1) personal scripture study, and 2) personal prayers. I plan on being consistent with these two questions for as long as I’m giving interviews. I ask a few questions about both of these topics: When are you reading the scriptures on your own? What are you reading? Tell me about it. Where are you saying your prayers? Are you interrupted by the other kids coming and going from the room? What kinds of things to you like to pray about in the morning?

This is partially prompted by a study on juvenile delinquency done at BYU, quoted also in an excellent book by Gene Cook called “Raising Up a Family to the Lord,” about how no other no other actions besides personal prayer and study can be firmly linked to teenage behavior – not regular church attendance, not seminary attendance, not even family home evening or family prayers. Personal worship is really what makes the difference.

Other than personal worship, I like to ask about friends, about sibling relationships, about anything the child would like to change in their life or at home, about job assignments, about goals. I like to remind my kids at every interview that they can always talk to me about anything or any question, and that they don’t have to wait for an interview.

I bring up one of those “uncomfortable” growing-up topics at almost every interview – what to expect during puberty, sex ed, standards, addictions, gender differences. For example, I went through a list of bad words with Danny – we put words into either a “rude words” or “swear words” category. I told Noah about menstruation and advised him about how to act when/if he hears girls talking about it or if he hears boys talking about it.

I also like to praise the kid up one side and down the other, and tell them specific things that I’ve seen them doing that please me. I think this is important for any kid to hear, but especially kids from large families. Also, I think it’s safer to give effusive praise a child in private, and not in front of the other kids, so interviews provide the chance.

How long to my interviews last? Anywhere from 5 – 30 minutes. 15-20 minutes would be average.

I’ve already had several specific insights into my kids that I know I would have missed otherwise. I already wrote about Oak’s desire to have his own scriptures and go to scouts. Another time I was talking with Danny about how to react to Noah’s teasing. I thought this was a serious issue and a new phase in Noah and Danny’s relationship. Danny, however, shrugged it off, saying, “I especially love it when Noah teases me when Daddy’s there, because when I yell ‘Nooo-ahhh’ and Daddy hears me, then Noah gets in big trouble!” The little scamp - I had no idea!

As the kids get older and start dating, I plan to regularly ask them questions about worthiness and help them set standards. I recently heard one grown man talk about how much easier it was for him to resist temptation as a youth because he knew that his parents would be asking him specific questions at his next interview on Sunday. He knew he didn’t want to lie to them, and he knew they’d be asking.

I also remember talking to Patricia Martin in Germany about how she got involved with a good, LDS boy, and when things started going too far, she wanted so desperately to tell her parents, but they never asked, and she could not bring herself to start the conversation. When she came home at night, she said that she’d hang around an extra long time with her mom, just hoping against hope that her mom would ask some hard questions, but instead her mom would just go on about what a great young man he was, etc, etc.

There are some outstanding ideas about interviews in the book about adolescents that I recommended recently, “Parenting Today’s Adolescents” by the Raineys. I plan on re-reading that book and jotting down some ideas, maybe make a pot of questions and scenarios and pull one or two out at every interview, or use them for FHE.

A friend named Julie Sessions told me just yesterday that she does interviews with her kids, too. She always does them without her husband. She calls it M&M time, because she eats M&M’s with each kid when they come in. She keeps a folder on each kid (scouts, duty to God, personal goals) and uses the time to help kids set their own goals for life. I’m sure her interviews are a great thing for her kids, even though the style is different than mine.

I can easily see that interviews are not for everyone. Some mothers are more natural talkers, or are less “busy” during a regular day, or have private time with each kid in the normal course of life, or whatever it may be. I think that some people may accidentally turn interviews into grilling sessions that make the kid want to be rebellious. I hope that I won’t!

I’m sure that my interviewing style will morph over the years. Who knows where it will end up! Perhaps this essay will seem quaint when I read it again in ten or fifteen years, after raising most of my kids through their teenage years. However, I do know that I feel good and I feel true after doing interviews with my kids. I know that it is right for me and right for my kids, and I feel better about it than almost anything else in my life. I feel ecstatic when I finish interviews! I feel the Spirit confirm to me that I’m doing the right thing. I’m so thankful for the inspiration.

Assertiveness Training

When Oak had been in 1^st grade for several months, his teacher sent me a note asking for a special interview. I was surprised and hoped that nothing serious was wrong. It turned out that her concern was how easily Oak broke into tears. She said that he broke into tears when he didn’t know the answer or when he felt confused. She didn’t know why he didn’t feel more comfortable asking for help. It happened often enough, and Oak was old enough, that she felt something was wrong. She assumed that Mike and I were demanding, disapproving parents, and wanted to convince us to be more kind to Oak.

I was not surprised to hear what Oak’s teacher said. I knew that Oak “choked up” easily – when he was frustrated with something new on the piano, when he couldn’t do part of his homework, etc. He’s quiet and doesn’t insist on getting his way. He puts up with bullying and bossing from his older brothers. This is how Danny put it in 2004, when Oak was three: “Mommy, Oak’s not very good at something. He can’t talk me into things. Noah can talk me into things, but Oaky can’t talk me into things very well.”

At the time, I thought this was because Oak was 3 and Danny was 4, but then Mercy came along, and she could definitely get what she wanted at the age of 3. . .especially from Oak. Mike and I started seeing visions of the future - sweet, mumbling Oak, married to a domineering, ungrateful wife - him loving her whole-heartedly all the while. This is how it was with Oak and Mercy.

He has gotten much better at asserting himself in the last year or so. Mercy no longer has unlimited control. His teachers say that he doesn’t cry at school. I had stopped noticing when he gets teary-eyed at home. I’d almost stopped thinking about it at all. . . until our last two Sunday interviews.

Two weeks ago, when we interviewed Oak, we asked him if there was anything he’d like to do differently in his life, and his response was a broken-up, very soft-spoken, “Well, I’ve been thinking about scouts….” It turns out, after some delicate probing, that he’s been feeling very left out for months because we take Danny and Noah to scouts, but we often skip his scouts because it’s at a difficult time of day.

This week, we had a nice interview, mostly one-word answers from Oak, but it felt comfortable. But right when we were about to excuse him, I asked him how his personal scripture study was going, and instantly he was fighting back tears, and said in anguish, “I would kind of like some scriptures of my own, because I don’t have any to read at night.”

All my previous worries about Oak came flooding back. We think it’s sweet, and it is sweet, but Oak has a very hard time communicating what he wants and needs. And when he does communicate what he wants or needs, he is often overcome with strong emotions. It happens every few days. After he left, Mike and I decided to do our next family home evening lesson on assertiveness training. Fortuitously, it was Oak’s turn to give the lesson, so I helped him get it ready while in the car on Monday. Here is how the lesson went:

Definition of Assertiveness: Speaking in a strong and direct way. One way to be assertive is to use “will you” at the beginning of your request.

Two examples given by Oak:

1) Non-assertive: Maybe could you sometime think about taking me to get some, you know, new scriptures?

Assertive: Will you help me get some new scriptures?

2) Non-assertive: I was thinking that you might like to, sometime, think about getting baptized.

Assertive: Will you follow the example of Jesus Christ and be baptized?

Everyone think of two examples: Then we went around the room, and everyone gave two examples of non-assertive/assertive speaking. The two examples were supposed to be in two different situations (home, school, friend’s house, church, etc.)

Mercy (doesn’t get the full picture. . . . ):

Can I have a drink?

May I have a drink, please?

Danny:

(at school) Would you think about letting me go to the bathroom sometime in the next couple of hours, when possible?

May I go to the bathroom?

I’d like to play with a friend sometime if you’d let me.

Will you help me plan a time to play with a friend after school?

Noah:

Please, if possible, somebody pass the water.

Water!

I’d kind of like that back.

Give it back!

Mike:

I feel FRUSTRATED when the living room is so messy!

Will you boys please pick up the living room right now?

Will someone make sure the chart for room three is ready?

Laurie, will you make sure the chart for room three is ready?

Holly:

Why am I the only one working on dinner?

Mercy, will you come help me get dinner ready?

I’m afraid there might be a mistake on my bill. Why don’t you look it over?

Will you please recheck my bill?

Think of the Example of Jesus

The best part of the lesson was when we asked everyone to think of ways that Jesus was assertive. Cleansing the temple. Commanding evil spirits. Telling the apostles to let the children come to him.

Then we all laughed in amazement at the alternative. Imagine Jesus saying, “I was thinking you could follow some of what I say,” instead of, “Come follow me!”

Or, try to picture Jesus saying “try to be kind of better because your Father in Heaven is perfect” instead of “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in Heaven is perfect.” Or, “If you could please do a few nice things for other people, I would like it,” instead of “If you love me, feed my sheep.”

I don’t think this lesson will change everything for Oak. I’m not even sure this is the root of his issue – or if he even has an issue at all. (Although just as I was typing up this paragraph, he came to me, all choked up because he couldn’t find his scout book….) However, this family home evening was meaningful to me. It helped me glimpse the Savior in a new way, and also gave me insight into what it means to be more like him.

Would Jesus Carry a Franklin-Day Planner?

May 5, 2009

We receive the Utah Valley Magazine thanks to the people who lived in our house before us. This month Stephen Covey was on the cover. From his interview, I learned that he has other people screen all his email, write the first draft of most letters, and only gives his cell phone number to his wife and to his secretary. (He didn’t mention this, but I’m assuming that someone else does his laundry, cleans his house, and cooks his food.) I learned that he is working on 8 new books. He has planned the next two years. I learned that he “disciplines” himself to “fill [his] mind with new information for at least two hours per day.” At the age of 76, he still has a full schedule of consulting and training governments from all over the world, including both Bush and Obama and their staff. The most important advice he could give to graduating high school seniors? “Write a personal mission statement.”

The next article in the same issue of Utah Valley Magazine is called “High School Students Who Will Change the World.” Principals from each of the 16 high schools in Utah Valley nominated one high school senior from their school who they feel best fits this category. Reading through the ½-page biographical sketches on each student, I was struck by two things.

First, when asked what their ipod favorites are, nearly half of the students listed 80s music among their favorites - who would have thought?!

Second, I realized that chances were high that each student would actually be successful in reaching their goals. But, how honorable are these goals? Are these kids focused on what really matters, or are they floundering without any real direction in their lives?

How Will You Change the World?
1) “I’ll be an example and get involved. . . “
2) “I am not afraid, and I have a deep love for people…”
3) “By helping individuals. . . “
4) “I don’t think I’ll become world famous, but I can change the world a little at a time by giving a smile here, a service project there, and by simply being the best possible person I can be.”
5) “I’ve learned changing the world doesn’t mean doing one big thing but lots of little things.”
6) “By constantly being involved. . . “
7) “I see the good in everyone and look for ways to inspire them. . . “
8) “by sharing a simple smile with someone. . . “
9) “I will be engaged, optimistic and persistent, seeking opportunities to make myself useful. . . “
10) “I want to promote kindness and acceptance. The most important thing can be as small as a smile.”
11) “The world can be changed by small acts of kindness.”
12) “A positive attitude!”
13) “Just taking it one day at a time.”
14) “By promoting others to be themselves. . . I can change the world by. . . being myself.“
15) “By being a good influence to all around me. . . “
16) “Attend MIT, majoring in physics and minoring in chemistry. Expand scientific understanding while spreading my conviction of the harmonious synergy between science and religion.”

Don’t you agree, that these high-schoolers will most likely all accomplish their dreams? And, was I the only one who noticed something different about #16?

Is being nice the more important thing we can do? Or should being nice be the way we are, but not what we do?

How I’m Teaching My Kids to be Teenagers

May 3, 2009

One hears a lot about “teenage mothers” these days, but about ten years ago I discovered that I am one. Not that I am actually in my teens, but that I have been acting like a teen. Thanks to my little kids. They bring it all back out in me.

The day it hit me was a Sunday when Noah was just three. Noah was being a back-seat driver. I was driving home from church and had a lot on my mind. Here’s the conversation I recorded at the time:
“Mommy, there was a red light and you didn’t stop. Why didn’t you stop at the red light, Mommy?”
“That light wasn’t for us, it was for somebody else.”
“For who somebody else?”
“For some other drivers. Noah, trust me, that red light was not for us.”
“But, Mommy, you didn’t stop. Why didn’t you stop at that red light?”
“I told you, Noah, that light wasn’t for us, it was pointed in the direction of some other drivers.”
“But I saw the red light and red light means stop. Why didn’t you stop at the red light?”
Now I’m exasperated, “Noah, forget it. I promise I know how to drive.”

A long pause. Then Noah gets in the last word as my backseat driver, “Just don’t crash into anything – only crash into the road.”

That’s when it hit me: I was teaching my kid how to be a teenager. Something about my own abrupt answers to repetitive questions gave me a flashback to the days when I was a teenager, giving abrupt answers to my parents or boring Sunday School teachers. I remember times when I was a teenager and my parents wanted to talk, but I didn’t. The more abrupt my answers, the more questions they asked in an effort to get some insight.

Soon after the driving incident, I caught myself doing it again - giving my son his daily lesson on how to be a classic American teenager.
Me: “Your babysitter is coming tonight so Daddy and I can go to this nice party.”
Toddler: “Why can’t I come?”
I had a sudden vision of the future…
Teenager: “Just drop me off at the party, you don’t have to come in and meet everybody.”
Me: “What’s wrong with me just coming in for a few minutes?” (in other words, “Why can’t I come?)

Since that time, I have started to see evidence everywhere. For example, my kids get up regularly everyday, always before 7:00 AM, even if they have been up late. They never let me sleep in! In the future, it will be me, goading my teenager to get out of bed, and they will think I never let THEM sleep in!

Now I get grumpy and unresponsive if my kids wake me up too early. In the future it will be my teenagers, grumpy and unresponsive with the same excuse. Now it is me needing to get away from my toddler to be with my friends, to keep sane with some “adult conversation.” In the future it will be my teenager wanting to slip away from family activities to spend time with his friends, to keep sane. Am I teaching my kids all these habits now, in the impressionable age, so that they will mimic me in the years to come?

Mother of Toddler

• Never gets to sleep-in
• Often woken up (too early) by Toddler
• Often stays up late to avoid Toddler
• Needs escape-time from Toddler
• Often feels exasperated by Toddler
• Feels that Toddler demands too much info (at times)
• Feels that Toddler asks silly, unanswerable,repetitive questions (at times)
• Feels that Toddler can’t understand what she feels, or think on the same level
• “Let Mommy have a rest”
• Acts and talks differently when she is with friends and away from Toddler
• Sees Toddler as irrational
• Sees Toddler as needing to change, to become Civilized and have Manners
• Thinks that she is in a position to occasionally make exceptions to established rules. (We’re not going to do the bedtime routine tonight! or, I get to eat in the living room when guests are here! Or, I know when it’s OK to say "stupid")

Teenager

• Doesn’t get to sleep-in enough
• Often woken up (too early) by Parents
• Often stays up late to avoid Parents
• Needs escape-time from Parents
• Often feels exasperated by Parents
• Often feels that Parent demands too much info, too many details
• Feels that Parent asks obvious or repetitive questions (at times)
• Feels that Parent can’t understand what he feels, doesn’t think the same way
• “Just leave me alone”
• Acts and talks differently when he is with friends and away from Parents
• Sees Parents as alien, doesn’t get their logic
• Sees Parents as needing to change, to “get with it”
• Thinks that he is in a position to occasionally make exceptions to established rules. (curfew)

It all goes to show that being a Teenager might not be an age as much as it is an attitude – the attitude of not wanting as much of someone else as they want of you. (One time I counted one of my toddlers saying “Mommy” 22 times in 4 minutes of conversation.)

What does this mean for me as a parent? Maybe I’m just getting a chance to show God and myself that I have repented of my own teenage snobbery. And, maybe it’s not too late to undo my kids’ accidental Teenager Training. I’m trying to curb my exasperation, and talk to my kids without the condescending tone of voice. They might do the same for me someday.

Parenting

April 5, 2009

We’ve recently reached yet another mix-up in our parenting strategy, another subtle change in situation that calls for some re-thinking. I don’t know if it’s because Noah turned 12 and he’s starting to outgrow the other brothers, or because we’ve moved back to America, and our boys’ loyalties are starting to move toward friends instead of family. . . . but Noah and Danny have started having issues. Noah and Oak play really well together, but Danny’s starting to be the odd man out.

Last Sunday, Noah came yelling to me, “Danny just stepped on my music!!!” This seemed out of character for Danny, so I sounded frustrated when I asked Danny why he would step on Noah’s music. Danny, in tears, said, “Noah always teases me, but whenever I try to tease him, it just doesn’t work out.”

Well, this sounds more dramatic than it really is. All three boys spent the last 2 hours being “midgie-men,” with three forts and a spying strategy. But there has been a delicate change in the wind, and I haven’t liked the new direction.

Noah’s problem, I think, is something I’ll call pre-flirting. I remember when Mike and I got married, my brother Dan was at this same age, and such a good kid, but such an annoying, awkward tease! That’s where Noah’s at. When he’s not being wonderful and mature, he teases and pushes buttons and can make himself very annoying. For example, if he’s going down the stairs, and Danny’s coming up the stairs, do they just walk by each other? Noooo. Noah has to play-kick Danny as he passes him. Or if Noah’s standing at the kitchen sink, and Oak’s trying to get something out of the cupboard below the sink, does Noah stand to the side for a second and let Oak in? Nooooo. Noah has to let Oak partly open the door, and then slam it shut again, and then let Oak open it again, and then slam it shut again – and not just once or twice, but over and over again until Oak’s almost in tears.

When Noah dishes this treatment out on his friends at school, they just give it back to him. This is what they *do*.

The reason I call this pre-flirting, is because it was the kinds of kids who could successfully pull off this sort of teasing who were the popular ones in Jr. High. I mean, who’s going to be more popular – the nice boy who sits in his desk, and quietly moves to the side when you’re trying to reach a cupboard on the other side of him? Or the mischievous boy who sits in his desk and playfully shuts the door of the cupboard on the other side of him as you’re trying to open it? The boys and girls are just starting to talk to each other again after elementary school years of almost living in separate worlds, and the most common way for kids to bridge the divide from one side of the gender line to the other, is not civilized conversation, but this kind of teasing.

So, that was a long prelude to say that I’ve been reflecting on parenting advice that has meant the most to me over the years. The overwhelming majority of my parenting style is unconscious and thanks to my own parents, but here are some ideas that have been turning points in my own parenting philosophy. I’m sure that this list will be easy for any reader to skim over, but I have a whole world of memories associated with each idea and person. I listed each idea in the order of when I received it:

Br. Daines: “Try not to mess them up.” This advice was given to me by my favorite mission companion’s father at her mission homecoming. I was pregnant with Noah at the time.

Sr. Eleanor Taylor: “That’s Satan’s plan.” Sr. Taylor was part of a missionary couple serving with us in the Bronx. Noah was a baby; we were in the car driving up to Westchester for a stake meeting. I was telling her something along the lines of how I wished I could protect my kids from major mistakes.

Sr. Ennoi: “Make dinner in the morning.” Sr. Ennoi was the Stake RS president when I was the branch RS president in the Bronx. She had raised 5 children that seemed perfect to me. This was her only piece of advice when I asked.

Me: “Anticipate behavior problems.” I can’t tell how many Sundays, in the car on the way to church, we had the exact same conversation: “what are the three rules for church?” Or how many times, on the way to a birthday party, “when can you say thank you at a birthday party,” etc.

Me: “Don’t raise a teenager.” Try not to treat my toddlers and young children the way many teenagers treat their parents.

Melissa Rohrer: The Question Game. Kids love to be asked any random question, and this is a great way to take control of dinnertime or driving time that otherwise was spiraling into chaos. The Question Game is played by going around to each kid in turn and asking a question.

Becky Shumway: “Keep your covenants and everything else will work out.” I reflect on this conversation whenever I worry about how my parenting style is being affected – yes, even undermined - by Mike’s parenting style. Becky’s parents had this problem, too.

Heather Gottfredson: “Bathe the kids once a week.” Heather is my cousin’s wife who lived by us in San Antonio. This advice has saved lots of time and frustration.

Lorraine Dixon: “Have fun with your kids’ friends’ families.” Lorraine is another cousin who lives in Austin, TX. This is how she felt she was able to remain in touch with her kids through their teenage years.

Holly Smiley: “My mom laughs whenever we mention something she did that was weird or didn’t work.” I love the idea of my grown kids mentioning faults or complaints or weirdness about their upbringing, and my reaction is to laugh about it.

Marc Weissbluth: “Sleep enough.” The book “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby” by Weissbluth helped me. Wish I would have read it sooner. . . .

Adele Faber: “Stop denying kids’ feelings” from Chapter 1 of the book, “How to Talk so Kids will Listen.” Examples: I’m hungry - You can’t be, you just ate! I’m not cold – Of course you are, it’s freezing out here! That was boring – you’re just tired! Another key concept, from the same authors’ book about sibling rivalry: “I’m not trying to raise kids who will be best friends with each other, but kids who can treat each other decently.”

Mom and Dad: “Go abroad” The idea that getting comfortably situated can be bad for family life, based on their experience living in England. They knew a family with a bunch of kids who moved to Idaho to be in a good environment for the kids and by their extended family, but after a year or two, they felt that their family was being torn apart in all directions by busy-ness and kids’ friends. They moved back to Europe.

Karen and Michael Jensen: “Keep talking.” The Jensens raised a bunch of girls who all seemed to get along great. Mandi and Melani Jensens, the twins, were our favorite babysitters in Sulzdorf. When I asked them how they did it, they told me that they kept everyone talking until problems or grudges were resolved. They said that they ended up doing a lot of talking, sometimes staying up late, or carrying a conversation over several days, but they wouldn’t let issues be pushed under the rug or ignored.

Me: “A story is better than a lecture.” Based on one striking experience after dropping Linda Lopez and her girls off at the Ryanair airport in Germany.

Elder Hales, when asked by our stake president to name the biggest challenge that our youth face today: “Their parents.” This happened last month, and brings me full circle back to the advice given to me 12 years ago by Br. Daines, not to “mess them up.”

Parenting gives me a reason to want to be more perfect.

Sarah Ann Lazenby

23 March 2009

Sarah Ann Lazenby, 1875-1954
Born: 28 Mar 1875 in Minersville, Beaver, Utah
Married: 26 Jun 1907 in Manti, Sanpete, Utah
Died 1 Sep 1954 in Fillmore, Millard, Utah

Our stake presidency challenged us (among other things) to index one batch of names every week from the family search website. I’d never heard about this program, but was fascinated from the start. It puts things in perspective for me, to spend 30 minutes every Sunday afternoon, looking at families, the parents, the kids, the ages and occupations, of people who lived over a hundred years ago, all in the original script.

After indexing Massachusetts marriage records from the turn of the century, and the 1880 Minnesota census, and a few batches from the New Jersey census, I decided to look up some of our own ancestors, and see the original records marking their lives.

I didn’t get much further than Sarah Ann Lazenby, who was Grandpa Miller’s mother. Here’s the story that I could gather from two U.S. censuses and the information in “Our Pioneer Ancestors” compiled by Mom and Dad.

Sarah’s parents were both from England. They had met before leaving England, when Sarah’s dad was preparing to emigrate and needed a fellow Saint to watch his son, Walter, so that the boy’s anti-Mormon grandmother wouldn’t kidnap him. He left Walter with a young woman, a recent convert, who later became his wife and Sarah’s mother.

Sarah’s mother (Walter’s babysitter) was also leaving England at this time. Her father and siblings were all dead, and her mother was very much against the church.

Sarah’s mother and father were married once they arrived in Salt Lake City in 1868.

The next official record I could find, the 1880 Federal Census, shows Sarah’s family in the Fremont Precinct of Piute County, Utah in 1880. Sarah’s English parents have now been married for 12 years. The father is 46 years old, the mother, 34. Walter is now 15 years old. Besides Walter, there are 6 living children who have been born in Utah: Henry (10 years), Moroni (8), Annettia (7), Sarah Ann (5), John T. (3), and Annie (1).

The Fremont Precinct census recorded 60 white families and 8 Indian families (42 Indian individuals divided into those 8 families). Three plural wives. Approximately half of all adults were born in Europe. It’s incredible to picture a bunch of European emigrants from England, Sweden, Norway, Denmark and Switzerland, along with the Indians, all raising their families out in the Utah desert. They had emigrated 30 years after the last wild bear had been killed in Europe – to come to a land full of wild bears and more.

Men were mostly farmers, but with a fair number of ranchers and herders, and a few teamsters and miners. All women’s occupations were recorded as “keeping house” except for one elderly women, whose occupation was listed as “knitter.”

Indian women’s occupations were recorded as “keeping wigwam.” Indian men were farmers, laborers, tanners, hunters, and fishermen. None of them had last names or could read or write. Some of their names – indulge me, I think this is fascinating – Jewick, Susan, Pogneal, Bob, Dutch, Wolf, Poor, Emma, Willie, Jim, Lunconuk, Awahtz, Sallie, Wooden Whiskers, and the 25yo Mustache married to the 22yo Maggie. (Mustache had no occupation – beside his name was written and then crossed out, “loafer and beggar.”)

The next official record is the 1900 Census. Twenty years have gone by. Sarah’s four older siblings and her younger sister are out of the home, but Sarah (25) has been left behind. Moroni (28) is married and living close by with his wife and their 10-month old son. But the father (66) and mother (54) still have four children at home: Sarah (25), Phebe (17), Edith (15), and Bertha (13). (The census reports that the mother had given birth to 9 children, only 2 of whom were living. I think the recorder made a mistake, and meant that 2 of them had died.)

Both Moroni and his father were farmers. Sarah and her mother were keeping house, and the teenage girls were in school.

There were 80 families in Loa at the time, and it seems that a third of them were Blackburns – and probably an additional third of the population were related to the Blackburns. Unlike twenty years earlier in the 1880 census, most of the adults in Loa at the time of the 1900 census were born in Utah. Less than 20 adults were born in Europe (about 10% of adults). Three plural wives – two of which were Blackburns. No Indians on the record. Men were all farmers, with a couple of merchants thrown in.

Sarah was married in 1907, which was 7 years after this census was recorded. She would have been 32 at the time. She had 6 children, Clarence, Arthella, LaRue (Grandpa Miller), Lola, Wendell, and Morris.

She died in 1954 at the age of 79.

Arranged Marriages

March 8, 2009


When I lived in San Antonio, one of my church callings was as Laurel Advisor. There were only 2 or 3 laurels at church every week, and so our classroom usually had more leaders than girls in attendance. Besides the girls, I was there, Sherri Warner (YW Pres) and Lindsey Cossen (YW sec).

One week, Sherri Warner taught the lesson about marriage. The start-off activity was to ask each of the girls to make a list of qualities that she would like to find in a companion someday. Sr. Warner asked us leaders to make a list of qualities we’d like in a future daughter-in-law.

How surprised I was, when each of us read our lists out loud, to find out how different we all were! I expected the girls to have unique lists, but somehow, I expected the leaders to all paint a similar picture. Sherri’s dream daughter-in-law was gentle, a skilled and contented homemaker, kind and loving. Lindsey’s dream daughter-in-law was athletic, independent, confident, and organized. My dream daughter-in-law was cheerful, grateful, deep-thinking, curious, and well-read.

Last week for Family Home Evening, I decided to have my boys try this same activity. They looked at me with completely blank faces when I first explained. Anyway, Noah seemed to “get it” after a few minutes, and the other boys played along with some skepticism. Here’s what I got:

Oak:
Nise [nice]
Fridly [friendly]
Good wheth kdis
Mormon
Not fat
Gose to chech [goes to church]
Likes the Book of Mormon

I think Oak’s first three entries are tellings: nice, friendly, good with kids. This gives me hope for Oak - I hope he marries a nice person! He lets Mercy boss him around so much, and loves her through it all, that I had imagined him married to a demanding and opinionated woman.

Danny:
Athletice
Good at cooking
Talkeative
Conservative (Danny says that this means “someone who doesn’t buy too much stuff”)
Happy
Mormon

Danny wrote “talkative” because he told me that he is quiet. This surprised me initially, since he doesn’t seem very quiet at home, but maybe he is at school. I hosted his Bear cub scout troop last week for the first time, and I was surprised at how quiet he was.

Athletic. Good at cooking (Danny does like to eat). Conservative. Danny has always been fascinated by earning money and by business ideas. He thinks of ideas for stores, and often notices when he sees a business that seems like it would make good money. He is the most motivated out of all our boys to do his daily jobs so he can get paid. Yet, he also spends the least.

Noah
Kind
Helpful
Truthful
Healthy
Tall
Likes animals
Sports
Likes hiking
Funny
Optimistic
Smart
Good grades/jobs
Big Family (comes from a big family)

Noah has an interest in animals. It started in the first grade with “My Side of the Mountain” and falconing, and has never gone away.

Truthful: Noah is very literal, and does not like it when other people generalize, estimate, or exaggerate. Kind, Helpful, Funny, Optimistic. This sounds like a great person.

Mike and I have joked about arranging our kids’ marriages over the years. We’ve met other families who we really like, and who are raising their kids in a fashion that we relate with. We feel less sure of our own kids’ abilities to pick a spouse as we’ve seen other “ideal” marriages fall apart in recent years, in particular the Rohrers and Mike’s cousin, Heidi.

But, in the end, our kids will be choosing for themselves. I remember Dad’s comment after meeting Mike for the first time, “He seems like a BYU boy.” It didn’t exactly seem like a compliment. I think that if my parents had picked out my husband, they would have picked someone calmer and more scientific than Mike, and, honestly, our marriage might have been easier. . . but less fun. If Mike’s parents could have picked out his wife, they might have picked someone more talkative and cheerful, and someone who would never want to move out of Utah.

I knew a great couple in Wuerzburg, the Pindars. Connie is Bavarian, and a convert to the church as a teenager, thanks to a Mormon friend in her neighborhood. Her husband, Kenyatta, was also a convert as a teenager, raised in Germany by an African mother. They both had served missions, have strong testimonies and a desire to make a difference for good. They had two little kids the last time I saw them. Connie told me one time what a hard decision it had been to marry Kenyatta, once her parents had made it clear how upset they were with her marrying a black man. Her father, in particular, wanted nothing to do with her if she went through with the marriage. She told me that her deciding moment was when she pulled out a list that she’d made in YW, a list of characteristics of her future husband. She said that she looked over her list and Kenyatta was everything she’d ever dreamed of, and more. And, what’s more, she realized, no where on her list had she written, “white skin.” That’s when she decided that she’d marry Kenyatta.

Listing of characteristics I’d like in a daughter-in-law makes me want to be a better person. I want to be happy, cheerful, friendly, grateful, truthful, healthy, tidy, nice, and love the Book of Mormon, so that this is the kind of person with whom my kids will feel comfortable.