Parenting

April 5, 2009

We’ve recently reached yet another mix-up in our parenting strategy, another subtle change in situation that calls for some re-thinking. I don’t know if it’s because Noah turned 12 and he’s starting to outgrow the other brothers, or because we’ve moved back to America, and our boys’ loyalties are starting to move toward friends instead of family. . . . but Noah and Danny have started having issues. Noah and Oak play really well together, but Danny’s starting to be the odd man out.

Last Sunday, Noah came yelling to me, “Danny just stepped on my music!!!” This seemed out of character for Danny, so I sounded frustrated when I asked Danny why he would step on Noah’s music. Danny, in tears, said, “Noah always teases me, but whenever I try to tease him, it just doesn’t work out.”

Well, this sounds more dramatic than it really is. All three boys spent the last 2 hours being “midgie-men,” with three forts and a spying strategy. But there has been a delicate change in the wind, and I haven’t liked the new direction.

Noah’s problem, I think, is something I’ll call pre-flirting. I remember when Mike and I got married, my brother Dan was at this same age, and such a good kid, but such an annoying, awkward tease! That’s where Noah’s at. When he’s not being wonderful and mature, he teases and pushes buttons and can make himself very annoying. For example, if he’s going down the stairs, and Danny’s coming up the stairs, do they just walk by each other? Noooo. Noah has to play-kick Danny as he passes him. Or if Noah’s standing at the kitchen sink, and Oak’s trying to get something out of the cupboard below the sink, does Noah stand to the side for a second and let Oak in? Nooooo. Noah has to let Oak partly open the door, and then slam it shut again, and then let Oak open it again, and then slam it shut again – and not just once or twice, but over and over again until Oak’s almost in tears.

When Noah dishes this treatment out on his friends at school, they just give it back to him. This is what they *do*.

The reason I call this pre-flirting, is because it was the kinds of kids who could successfully pull off this sort of teasing who were the popular ones in Jr. High. I mean, who’s going to be more popular – the nice boy who sits in his desk, and quietly moves to the side when you’re trying to reach a cupboard on the other side of him? Or the mischievous boy who sits in his desk and playfully shuts the door of the cupboard on the other side of him as you’re trying to open it? The boys and girls are just starting to talk to each other again after elementary school years of almost living in separate worlds, and the most common way for kids to bridge the divide from one side of the gender line to the other, is not civilized conversation, but this kind of teasing.

So, that was a long prelude to say that I’ve been reflecting on parenting advice that has meant the most to me over the years. The overwhelming majority of my parenting style is unconscious and thanks to my own parents, but here are some ideas that have been turning points in my own parenting philosophy. I’m sure that this list will be easy for any reader to skim over, but I have a whole world of memories associated with each idea and person. I listed each idea in the order of when I received it:

Br. Daines: “Try not to mess them up.” This advice was given to me by my favorite mission companion’s father at her mission homecoming. I was pregnant with Noah at the time.

Sr. Eleanor Taylor: “That’s Satan’s plan.” Sr. Taylor was part of a missionary couple serving with us in the Bronx. Noah was a baby; we were in the car driving up to Westchester for a stake meeting. I was telling her something along the lines of how I wished I could protect my kids from major mistakes.

Sr. Ennoi: “Make dinner in the morning.” Sr. Ennoi was the Stake RS president when I was the branch RS president in the Bronx. She had raised 5 children that seemed perfect to me. This was her only piece of advice when I asked.

Me: “Anticipate behavior problems.” I can’t tell how many Sundays, in the car on the way to church, we had the exact same conversation: “what are the three rules for church?” Or how many times, on the way to a birthday party, “when can you say thank you at a birthday party,” etc.

Me: “Don’t raise a teenager.” Try not to treat my toddlers and young children the way many teenagers treat their parents.

Melissa Rohrer: The Question Game. Kids love to be asked any random question, and this is a great way to take control of dinnertime or driving time that otherwise was spiraling into chaos. The Question Game is played by going around to each kid in turn and asking a question.

Becky Shumway: “Keep your covenants and everything else will work out.” I reflect on this conversation whenever I worry about how my parenting style is being affected – yes, even undermined - by Mike’s parenting style. Becky’s parents had this problem, too.

Heather Gottfredson: “Bathe the kids once a week.” Heather is my cousin’s wife who lived by us in San Antonio. This advice has saved lots of time and frustration.

Lorraine Dixon: “Have fun with your kids’ friends’ families.” Lorraine is another cousin who lives in Austin, TX. This is how she felt she was able to remain in touch with her kids through their teenage years.

Holly Smiley: “My mom laughs whenever we mention something she did that was weird or didn’t work.” I love the idea of my grown kids mentioning faults or complaints or weirdness about their upbringing, and my reaction is to laugh about it.

Marc Weissbluth: “Sleep enough.” The book “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby” by Weissbluth helped me. Wish I would have read it sooner. . . .

Adele Faber: “Stop denying kids’ feelings” from Chapter 1 of the book, “How to Talk so Kids will Listen.” Examples: I’m hungry - You can’t be, you just ate! I’m not cold – Of course you are, it’s freezing out here! That was boring – you’re just tired! Another key concept, from the same authors’ book about sibling rivalry: “I’m not trying to raise kids who will be best friends with each other, but kids who can treat each other decently.”

Mom and Dad: “Go abroad” The idea that getting comfortably situated can be bad for family life, based on their experience living in England. They knew a family with a bunch of kids who moved to Idaho to be in a good environment for the kids and by their extended family, but after a year or two, they felt that their family was being torn apart in all directions by busy-ness and kids’ friends. They moved back to Europe.

Karen and Michael Jensen: “Keep talking.” The Jensens raised a bunch of girls who all seemed to get along great. Mandi and Melani Jensens, the twins, were our favorite babysitters in Sulzdorf. When I asked them how they did it, they told me that they kept everyone talking until problems or grudges were resolved. They said that they ended up doing a lot of talking, sometimes staying up late, or carrying a conversation over several days, but they wouldn’t let issues be pushed under the rug or ignored.

Me: “A story is better than a lecture.” Based on one striking experience after dropping Linda Lopez and her girls off at the Ryanair airport in Germany.

Elder Hales, when asked by our stake president to name the biggest challenge that our youth face today: “Their parents.” This happened last month, and brings me full circle back to the advice given to me 12 years ago by Br. Daines, not to “mess them up.”

Parenting gives me a reason to want to be more perfect.