Both Sides

Today was Ward Conference. The purpose of Ward Conference has always been a bit of a mystery. If it is for the stake leaders to get to know the ward, they would have a normal Sunday and come and observe. If it is to show the ward leaders how the ward should be run it would be more of a training session. If it is to bring a special message that the stake leaders see that is needed in the ward, they would bring a different message to each ward. Stake themes for the year are typically introduced at Stake Conference. Since they usually do none of these things, I think that stakes have ward conferences for the same reason that Adam offered sacrifices – “I know not, save the Lord has commanded me.”

Speaking of supervision, President Hatch, second counselor in the stake presidency, taught a lesson in our ward conference that had an interesting idea. He was talking about parenting and the need to avoid extremes – neither dictatorial nor accepting of bad behavior; neither controlling nor permissive; neither disparaging nor vainly flattering; etc. As part of the discussion he showed this quote by President Boyd K. Packer from his book “That All May be Edified.” He said, “As I meet young people around the Church, they are always saying, ‘When will my parents ever think I have enough maturity to act for myself?’ I know when with my family. I have employed this key. I know that they are ready for full freedom in any field of endeavor the very minute they stop resenting supervision. At that moment I can back off, let them go alone, and really just be there to respond if they come for help.”

I thought about that instead of the rest of the lesson. I think it is true in general, and not just in parent/child relationships. Think of people at work who are always complaining about the boss. They may be capable of doing a good job, but you can’t always trust them to do it. It is the same in Church callings, only without the ability to enforce the supervision. You will never see anyone who is an effective employee or even an effective leader who shows resentment for supervision.

That said, I think that it is especially true in the context that President Packer placed it. And it is true for all ages. How often have we heard a little child say, “I can do it myself!” Usually the truth of the matter is that you can never be sure that the child can really “do it myself” until they are comfortable letting someone watch them do it. It is especially true for parents’ relationships with teenagers and young adults. None of you are quite there yet. Noah is just about to teen-age, when a person misplaces his common sense indicator and most of the rest of his mind for the next seven years.

So what lesson is there in this for each of us? I think it is an easier concept to appreciate for a parent (supervisor) than for a child (employee), but harder to implement. As a parent you can’t demand that a child quit resenting your supervision. You also can’t tell the child that as soon as they don’t show resentment you will stop your supervision. You have to be close enough to the child to know when the acceptance of supervision is real.

As a child, or other person on the receiving end of supervision, it is a hard concept to accept. The scriptures are full of admonitions about reaching this level with God’s supervision: “Be thou humble and the Lord thy God will lead thee by the hand…” “…become as a little child…” “…willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him…” etc. With people who have supervisory positions over us it can be hard because we may think we know more than they do – and we may be right – but we will seldom have any influence over their supervision if we resent it. The same holds true in our Church callings. Family relations are where it becomes hard. It seems to be human nature to push parental authority and resent it. In a way it is good because it prepares us to be independent. It is not good if we forget that the relationship is motivated by love since, if it is truly a loving relationship, how can supervision be anything but good? The best relationship is one where supervision is accepted as an opportunity to learn and to do better.

Assertiveness Training

When Oak had been in 1^st grade for several months, his teacher sent me a note asking for a special interview. I was surprised and hoped that nothing serious was wrong. It turned out that her concern was how easily Oak broke into tears. She said that he broke into tears when he didn’t know the answer or when he felt confused. She didn’t know why he didn’t feel more comfortable asking for help. It happened often enough, and Oak was old enough, that she felt something was wrong. She assumed that Mike and I were demanding, disapproving parents, and wanted to convince us to be more kind to Oak.

I was not surprised to hear what Oak’s teacher said. I knew that Oak “choked up” easily – when he was frustrated with something new on the piano, when he couldn’t do part of his homework, etc. He’s quiet and doesn’t insist on getting his way. He puts up with bullying and bossing from his older brothers. This is how Danny put it in 2004, when Oak was three: “Mommy, Oak’s not very good at something. He can’t talk me into things. Noah can talk me into things, but Oaky can’t talk me into things very well.”

At the time, I thought this was because Oak was 3 and Danny was 4, but then Mercy came along, and she could definitely get what she wanted at the age of 3. . .especially from Oak. Mike and I started seeing visions of the future - sweet, mumbling Oak, married to a domineering, ungrateful wife - him loving her whole-heartedly all the while. This is how it was with Oak and Mercy.

He has gotten much better at asserting himself in the last year or so. Mercy no longer has unlimited control. His teachers say that he doesn’t cry at school. I had stopped noticing when he gets teary-eyed at home. I’d almost stopped thinking about it at all. . . until our last two Sunday interviews.

Two weeks ago, when we interviewed Oak, we asked him if there was anything he’d like to do differently in his life, and his response was a broken-up, very soft-spoken, “Well, I’ve been thinking about scouts….” It turns out, after some delicate probing, that he’s been feeling very left out for months because we take Danny and Noah to scouts, but we often skip his scouts because it’s at a difficult time of day.

This week, we had a nice interview, mostly one-word answers from Oak, but it felt comfortable. But right when we were about to excuse him, I asked him how his personal scripture study was going, and instantly he was fighting back tears, and said in anguish, “I would kind of like some scriptures of my own, because I don’t have any to read at night.”

All my previous worries about Oak came flooding back. We think it’s sweet, and it is sweet, but Oak has a very hard time communicating what he wants and needs. And when he does communicate what he wants or needs, he is often overcome with strong emotions. It happens every few days. After he left, Mike and I decided to do our next family home evening lesson on assertiveness training. Fortuitously, it was Oak’s turn to give the lesson, so I helped him get it ready while in the car on Monday. Here is how the lesson went:

Definition of Assertiveness: Speaking in a strong and direct way. One way to be assertive is to use “will you” at the beginning of your request.

Two examples given by Oak:

1) Non-assertive: Maybe could you sometime think about taking me to get some, you know, new scriptures?

Assertive: Will you help me get some new scriptures?

2) Non-assertive: I was thinking that you might like to, sometime, think about getting baptized.

Assertive: Will you follow the example of Jesus Christ and be baptized?

Everyone think of two examples: Then we went around the room, and everyone gave two examples of non-assertive/assertive speaking. The two examples were supposed to be in two different situations (home, school, friend’s house, church, etc.)

Mercy (doesn’t get the full picture. . . . ):

Can I have a drink?

May I have a drink, please?

Danny:

(at school) Would you think about letting me go to the bathroom sometime in the next couple of hours, when possible?

May I go to the bathroom?

I’d like to play with a friend sometime if you’d let me.

Will you help me plan a time to play with a friend after school?

Noah:

Please, if possible, somebody pass the water.

Water!

I’d kind of like that back.

Give it back!

Mike:

I feel FRUSTRATED when the living room is so messy!

Will you boys please pick up the living room right now?

Will someone make sure the chart for room three is ready?

Laurie, will you make sure the chart for room three is ready?

Holly:

Why am I the only one working on dinner?

Mercy, will you come help me get dinner ready?

I’m afraid there might be a mistake on my bill. Why don’t you look it over?

Will you please recheck my bill?

Think of the Example of Jesus

The best part of the lesson was when we asked everyone to think of ways that Jesus was assertive. Cleansing the temple. Commanding evil spirits. Telling the apostles to let the children come to him.

Then we all laughed in amazement at the alternative. Imagine Jesus saying, “I was thinking you could follow some of what I say,” instead of, “Come follow me!”

Or, try to picture Jesus saying “try to be kind of better because your Father in Heaven is perfect” instead of “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in Heaven is perfect.” Or, “If you could please do a few nice things for other people, I would like it,” instead of “If you love me, feed my sheep.”

I don’t think this lesson will change everything for Oak. I’m not even sure this is the root of his issue – or if he even has an issue at all. (Although just as I was typing up this paragraph, he came to me, all choked up because he couldn’t find his scout book….) However, this family home evening was meaningful to me. It helped me glimpse the Savior in a new way, and also gave me insight into what it means to be more like him.