Both Sides

Today was Ward Conference. The purpose of Ward Conference has always been a bit of a mystery. If it is for the stake leaders to get to know the ward, they would have a normal Sunday and come and observe. If it is to show the ward leaders how the ward should be run it would be more of a training session. If it is to bring a special message that the stake leaders see that is needed in the ward, they would bring a different message to each ward. Stake themes for the year are typically introduced at Stake Conference. Since they usually do none of these things, I think that stakes have ward conferences for the same reason that Adam offered sacrifices – “I know not, save the Lord has commanded me.”

Speaking of supervision, President Hatch, second counselor in the stake presidency, taught a lesson in our ward conference that had an interesting idea. He was talking about parenting and the need to avoid extremes – neither dictatorial nor accepting of bad behavior; neither controlling nor permissive; neither disparaging nor vainly flattering; etc. As part of the discussion he showed this quote by President Boyd K. Packer from his book “That All May be Edified.” He said, “As I meet young people around the Church, they are always saying, ‘When will my parents ever think I have enough maturity to act for myself?’ I know when with my family. I have employed this key. I know that they are ready for full freedom in any field of endeavor the very minute they stop resenting supervision. At that moment I can back off, let them go alone, and really just be there to respond if they come for help.”

I thought about that instead of the rest of the lesson. I think it is true in general, and not just in parent/child relationships. Think of people at work who are always complaining about the boss. They may be capable of doing a good job, but you can’t always trust them to do it. It is the same in Church callings, only without the ability to enforce the supervision. You will never see anyone who is an effective employee or even an effective leader who shows resentment for supervision.

That said, I think that it is especially true in the context that President Packer placed it. And it is true for all ages. How often have we heard a little child say, “I can do it myself!” Usually the truth of the matter is that you can never be sure that the child can really “do it myself” until they are comfortable letting someone watch them do it. It is especially true for parents’ relationships with teenagers and young adults. None of you are quite there yet. Noah is just about to teen-age, when a person misplaces his common sense indicator and most of the rest of his mind for the next seven years.

So what lesson is there in this for each of us? I think it is an easier concept to appreciate for a parent (supervisor) than for a child (employee), but harder to implement. As a parent you can’t demand that a child quit resenting your supervision. You also can’t tell the child that as soon as they don’t show resentment you will stop your supervision. You have to be close enough to the child to know when the acceptance of supervision is real.

As a child, or other person on the receiving end of supervision, it is a hard concept to accept. The scriptures are full of admonitions about reaching this level with God’s supervision: “Be thou humble and the Lord thy God will lead thee by the hand…” “…become as a little child…” “…willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him…” etc. With people who have supervisory positions over us it can be hard because we may think we know more than they do – and we may be right – but we will seldom have any influence over their supervision if we resent it. The same holds true in our Church callings. Family relations are where it becomes hard. It seems to be human nature to push parental authority and resent it. In a way it is good because it prepares us to be independent. It is not good if we forget that the relationship is motivated by love since, if it is truly a loving relationship, how can supervision be anything but good? The best relationship is one where supervision is accepted as an opportunity to learn and to do better.