Interviews

Few parenting ideas – no, it would be more accurate to say that NO OTHER parenting idea has ever come to me with more force than the idea of doing regular interviews with my kids. This is a rather recent idea (within the last year) but I feel that if I weren’t to do it, God would hold me personally responsible. I plan on being consistent with interviews until each of my kids leaves the house. Maybe longer…

I do an interview with two of my kids one Sunday, and then my other two kids on the next Sunday. I remember by writing their names in my planner with a box around them. I have their boxed names written in my calendar on each Sunday for months ahead of time.

I don’t have a time of day scheduled, but they usually happen in the evening. If Sunday doesn’t work out, then they happen on Monday night after FHE.

Perhaps one reason that this idea hit me with such force, is that I never challenged my assumption that interviews were only a male/priesthood assignment. I guess that I needed a clonk on the head to notice the fact that I can give interviews, too.

Mike likes the idea of interviews, and whenever he’s home, he does them with me. I love having him do interviews with me because he brings the Spirit into the conversation in such a strong way. But, I’ve done interviews many times on my own when he’s gone, and, to be frank, even when we do them together, I’m the one who remembers to makes interviews happen. I think this is just fine. He has other amazing parenting ideas and inspirations – things that he remembers to make happen.

When we do interviews, we each sit on one side of our kid, snuggled on our bedroom couch. The door is closed and everyone, including baby, are outside. Sometimes we pray first, and sometimes not. And then what happens? We simply talk. Unstructured.

There are, however, two things that I always bring up at some point in the conversation: 1) personal scripture study, and 2) personal prayers. I plan on being consistent with these two questions for as long as I’m giving interviews. I ask a few questions about both of these topics: When are you reading the scriptures on your own? What are you reading? Tell me about it. Where are you saying your prayers? Are you interrupted by the other kids coming and going from the room? What kinds of things to you like to pray about in the morning?

This is partially prompted by a study on juvenile delinquency done at BYU, quoted also in an excellent book by Gene Cook called “Raising Up a Family to the Lord,” about how no other no other actions besides personal prayer and study can be firmly linked to teenage behavior – not regular church attendance, not seminary attendance, not even family home evening or family prayers. Personal worship is really what makes the difference.

Other than personal worship, I like to ask about friends, about sibling relationships, about anything the child would like to change in their life or at home, about job assignments, about goals. I like to remind my kids at every interview that they can always talk to me about anything or any question, and that they don’t have to wait for an interview.

I bring up one of those “uncomfortable” growing-up topics at almost every interview – what to expect during puberty, sex ed, standards, addictions, gender differences. For example, I went through a list of bad words with Danny – we put words into either a “rude words” or “swear words” category. I told Noah about menstruation and advised him about how to act when/if he hears girls talking about it or if he hears boys talking about it.

I also like to praise the kid up one side and down the other, and tell them specific things that I’ve seen them doing that please me. I think this is important for any kid to hear, but especially kids from large families. Also, I think it’s safer to give effusive praise a child in private, and not in front of the other kids, so interviews provide the chance.

How long to my interviews last? Anywhere from 5 – 30 minutes. 15-20 minutes would be average.

I’ve already had several specific insights into my kids that I know I would have missed otherwise. I already wrote about Oak’s desire to have his own scriptures and go to scouts. Another time I was talking with Danny about how to react to Noah’s teasing. I thought this was a serious issue and a new phase in Noah and Danny’s relationship. Danny, however, shrugged it off, saying, “I especially love it when Noah teases me when Daddy’s there, because when I yell ‘Nooo-ahhh’ and Daddy hears me, then Noah gets in big trouble!” The little scamp - I had no idea!

As the kids get older and start dating, I plan to regularly ask them questions about worthiness and help them set standards. I recently heard one grown man talk about how much easier it was for him to resist temptation as a youth because he knew that his parents would be asking him specific questions at his next interview on Sunday. He knew he didn’t want to lie to them, and he knew they’d be asking.

I also remember talking to Patricia Martin in Germany about how she got involved with a good, LDS boy, and when things started going too far, she wanted so desperately to tell her parents, but they never asked, and she could not bring herself to start the conversation. When she came home at night, she said that she’d hang around an extra long time with her mom, just hoping against hope that her mom would ask some hard questions, but instead her mom would just go on about what a great young man he was, etc, etc.

There are some outstanding ideas about interviews in the book about adolescents that I recommended recently, “Parenting Today’s Adolescents” by the Raineys. I plan on re-reading that book and jotting down some ideas, maybe make a pot of questions and scenarios and pull one or two out at every interview, or use them for FHE.

A friend named Julie Sessions told me just yesterday that she does interviews with her kids, too. She always does them without her husband. She calls it M&M time, because she eats M&M’s with each kid when they come in. She keeps a folder on each kid (scouts, duty to God, personal goals) and uses the time to help kids set their own goals for life. I’m sure her interviews are a great thing for her kids, even though the style is different than mine.

I can easily see that interviews are not for everyone. Some mothers are more natural talkers, or are less “busy” during a regular day, or have private time with each kid in the normal course of life, or whatever it may be. I think that some people may accidentally turn interviews into grilling sessions that make the kid want to be rebellious. I hope that I won’t!

I’m sure that my interviewing style will morph over the years. Who knows where it will end up! Perhaps this essay will seem quaint when I read it again in ten or fifteen years, after raising most of my kids through their teenage years. However, I do know that I feel good and I feel true after doing interviews with my kids. I know that it is right for me and right for my kids, and I feel better about it than almost anything else in my life. I feel ecstatic when I finish interviews! I feel the Spirit confirm to me that I’m doing the right thing. I’m so thankful for the inspiration.