Helpless

I never thought I would be in sunny Hawaii and wish I were home in Virginia in February. I timed this trip as poorly as any I have ever been on. It is a helpless feeling to be here and not be able to do anything or even help make decisions.
You have all been hearing about the big storm that has dumped nearly 30 inches of snow on Northern Virginia. I left on Thursday morning and we were already starting to worry a little, but not too much. After all, we had been snowed-in a couple of times this winter already, and it just meant that we would be about to stay home and enjoy the day. Who knew that it would knock out the power, and that now, two days later, the power would still be off with no estimated for when it would be back on. By Friday when I called Mom from Hilo the snow had started to pile up and the power went off, and we were starting to wonder if she should get out while she still could and stay with friends. The estimate from Dominion Power was that the power would be back on by 11 pm. The house was not any colder that it would have been on a normal night with the heat turned down, so Joyce decided to stay and to decide in the morning. It snowed all day on Saturday, and by then it was too late. The snow was too deep to drive through it. Joyce went out and shoveled a path for the car down the driveway, but the snow on the road was too deep, and it was still snowing. Sunday morning it had stopped snowing, but the temperature in the house was down to 45 degrees and there was still no estimate from the power company when it would be back on. Joyce finally got a neighbor with a four-wheel-drive to take her over to our friends, the Latimers, to stay until the power came back on.
I may have gotten some of the details wrong in what was going on at home – and there is the topic of this essay. What do you do when you want to help but are completely powerless to do anything except cheer from the sidelines? My feelings here ranged from real anxiety on Friday as we were trying to decide whether Mom should go or stay and not knowing exactly what the conditions were or, more importantly, what they were going to be, to envy and regret on Saturday that I couldn’t be there to enjoy being snowed in together, to worry again on Sunday when there still wasn’t heat or any way to drive anywhere and the temperature was dropping in the house. How often we have watched teenage or young adult children with the same emotions – anxiety not being able to help with a decision and not knowing the future, regret that we can’t be there to share an experience, and worry when things aren’t going as we expected and maybe even appearing to be getting worse. How often we have watched new converts, home teaching and visiting teaching families, and others we are working with in the Church in the same way.
It is good to know that if things get really bad there are good people around who can help. In this case we had neighbors who shared hot meals and helped when Joyce decided to leave. We had ward members who were concerned. Whenever I called we would be interrupted by other phone calls, usually from concerned ward members. It was good to have Jon’s home for a backup if Joyce could have gotten there. Jared and Daniel called to offer encouragement (thanks!). When you get teenagers you realize how valuable that support is. The genius of the Young Men/Young Women program is that you have someone there you can trust to teach correct principles to your children when you can’t be there yourself. The genius of the Church organization is that when all are doing their duty, the support is there for each one of us. The catch, of course, is that not all “concerned” helpers are faithful Church members teaching correct principles. Sometimes these voices are the hardest to counter and it at times becomes counterproductive to even suggest that they might be off the mark.
So this comes down to the final resort. Sometimes you are completely helpless and all that is left is prayer and faith. Can a person change the elements, get power restored, influence thoughts and actions of another, by praying and having faith? Will Dominion Power get our power back on sooner if I pray really hard about it tonight? Can I influence people I don’t even know who in turn influence the lives of a loved one? I know that it is not me doing the influencing, but will the Lord change things just because I ask him, no matter how sincere I am? The answer has to be “yes” or the scriptures would not tell us to do it.
This must be where faith comes in. Maybe it is not so much that we ask in faith as that we have faith, after we have asked, that the right thing will happen. Not necessarily that the thing that we want will happen, but that whatever happens the Lord will make it right. That is perhaps the hardest aspect of faith. How hard is it to see a situation develop that we don’t like or don’t agree with, and let it happen. When is it right to have faith that God is in charge, and when is it right to step in and try to change it? Should we always try to change things, right up to the last minute that we think we can? Do we have a moral obligation to do everything we can to make things right?
I don’t know the answer to these questions. It is perhaps the hardest tightrope there is to walk in our relationships. One difference between the Law of Christ and the Law of Moses is that Christ tells us that it is always our duty to do good without worrying about reward or consequences. On the other hand, I don’t recall any instance of Christ doing good for someone who didn’t want it.
Anyway, here I am forced to cheer from the sidelines as Joyce does battle with the elements. They have already issued another winter storm warning for Tuesday. At least she is warm and has good company for now.

Interviews

Few parenting ideas – no, it would be more accurate to say that NO OTHER parenting idea has ever come to me with more force than the idea of doing regular interviews with my kids. This is a rather recent idea (within the last year) but I feel that if I weren’t to do it, God would hold me personally responsible. I plan on being consistent with interviews until each of my kids leaves the house. Maybe longer…

I do an interview with two of my kids one Sunday, and then my other two kids on the next Sunday. I remember by writing their names in my planner with a box around them. I have their boxed names written in my calendar on each Sunday for months ahead of time.

I don’t have a time of day scheduled, but they usually happen in the evening. If Sunday doesn’t work out, then they happen on Monday night after FHE.

Perhaps one reason that this idea hit me with such force, is that I never challenged my assumption that interviews were only a male/priesthood assignment. I guess that I needed a clonk on the head to notice the fact that I can give interviews, too.

Mike likes the idea of interviews, and whenever he’s home, he does them with me. I love having him do interviews with me because he brings the Spirit into the conversation in such a strong way. But, I’ve done interviews many times on my own when he’s gone, and, to be frank, even when we do them together, I’m the one who remembers to makes interviews happen. I think this is just fine. He has other amazing parenting ideas and inspirations – things that he remembers to make happen.

When we do interviews, we each sit on one side of our kid, snuggled on our bedroom couch. The door is closed and everyone, including baby, are outside. Sometimes we pray first, and sometimes not. And then what happens? We simply talk. Unstructured.

There are, however, two things that I always bring up at some point in the conversation: 1) personal scripture study, and 2) personal prayers. I plan on being consistent with these two questions for as long as I’m giving interviews. I ask a few questions about both of these topics: When are you reading the scriptures on your own? What are you reading? Tell me about it. Where are you saying your prayers? Are you interrupted by the other kids coming and going from the room? What kinds of things to you like to pray about in the morning?

This is partially prompted by a study on juvenile delinquency done at BYU, quoted also in an excellent book by Gene Cook called “Raising Up a Family to the Lord,” about how no other no other actions besides personal prayer and study can be firmly linked to teenage behavior – not regular church attendance, not seminary attendance, not even family home evening or family prayers. Personal worship is really what makes the difference.

Other than personal worship, I like to ask about friends, about sibling relationships, about anything the child would like to change in their life or at home, about job assignments, about goals. I like to remind my kids at every interview that they can always talk to me about anything or any question, and that they don’t have to wait for an interview.

I bring up one of those “uncomfortable” growing-up topics at almost every interview – what to expect during puberty, sex ed, standards, addictions, gender differences. For example, I went through a list of bad words with Danny – we put words into either a “rude words” or “swear words” category. I told Noah about menstruation and advised him about how to act when/if he hears girls talking about it or if he hears boys talking about it.

I also like to praise the kid up one side and down the other, and tell them specific things that I’ve seen them doing that please me. I think this is important for any kid to hear, but especially kids from large families. Also, I think it’s safer to give effusive praise a child in private, and not in front of the other kids, so interviews provide the chance.

How long to my interviews last? Anywhere from 5 – 30 minutes. 15-20 minutes would be average.

I’ve already had several specific insights into my kids that I know I would have missed otherwise. I already wrote about Oak’s desire to have his own scriptures and go to scouts. Another time I was talking with Danny about how to react to Noah’s teasing. I thought this was a serious issue and a new phase in Noah and Danny’s relationship. Danny, however, shrugged it off, saying, “I especially love it when Noah teases me when Daddy’s there, because when I yell ‘Nooo-ahhh’ and Daddy hears me, then Noah gets in big trouble!” The little scamp - I had no idea!

As the kids get older and start dating, I plan to regularly ask them questions about worthiness and help them set standards. I recently heard one grown man talk about how much easier it was for him to resist temptation as a youth because he knew that his parents would be asking him specific questions at his next interview on Sunday. He knew he didn’t want to lie to them, and he knew they’d be asking.

I also remember talking to Patricia Martin in Germany about how she got involved with a good, LDS boy, and when things started going too far, she wanted so desperately to tell her parents, but they never asked, and she could not bring herself to start the conversation. When she came home at night, she said that she’d hang around an extra long time with her mom, just hoping against hope that her mom would ask some hard questions, but instead her mom would just go on about what a great young man he was, etc, etc.

There are some outstanding ideas about interviews in the book about adolescents that I recommended recently, “Parenting Today’s Adolescents” by the Raineys. I plan on re-reading that book and jotting down some ideas, maybe make a pot of questions and scenarios and pull one or two out at every interview, or use them for FHE.

A friend named Julie Sessions told me just yesterday that she does interviews with her kids, too. She always does them without her husband. She calls it M&M time, because she eats M&M’s with each kid when they come in. She keeps a folder on each kid (scouts, duty to God, personal goals) and uses the time to help kids set their own goals for life. I’m sure her interviews are a great thing for her kids, even though the style is different than mine.

I can easily see that interviews are not for everyone. Some mothers are more natural talkers, or are less “busy” during a regular day, or have private time with each kid in the normal course of life, or whatever it may be. I think that some people may accidentally turn interviews into grilling sessions that make the kid want to be rebellious. I hope that I won’t!

I’m sure that my interviewing style will morph over the years. Who knows where it will end up! Perhaps this essay will seem quaint when I read it again in ten or fifteen years, after raising most of my kids through their teenage years. However, I do know that I feel good and I feel true after doing interviews with my kids. I know that it is right for me and right for my kids, and I feel better about it than almost anything else in my life. I feel ecstatic when I finish interviews! I feel the Spirit confirm to me that I’m doing the right thing. I’m so thankful for the inspiration.

Both Sides

Today was Ward Conference. The purpose of Ward Conference has always been a bit of a mystery. If it is for the stake leaders to get to know the ward, they would have a normal Sunday and come and observe. If it is to show the ward leaders how the ward should be run it would be more of a training session. If it is to bring a special message that the stake leaders see that is needed in the ward, they would bring a different message to each ward. Stake themes for the year are typically introduced at Stake Conference. Since they usually do none of these things, I think that stakes have ward conferences for the same reason that Adam offered sacrifices – “I know not, save the Lord has commanded me.”

Speaking of supervision, President Hatch, second counselor in the stake presidency, taught a lesson in our ward conference that had an interesting idea. He was talking about parenting and the need to avoid extremes – neither dictatorial nor accepting of bad behavior; neither controlling nor permissive; neither disparaging nor vainly flattering; etc. As part of the discussion he showed this quote by President Boyd K. Packer from his book “That All May be Edified.” He said, “As I meet young people around the Church, they are always saying, ‘When will my parents ever think I have enough maturity to act for myself?’ I know when with my family. I have employed this key. I know that they are ready for full freedom in any field of endeavor the very minute they stop resenting supervision. At that moment I can back off, let them go alone, and really just be there to respond if they come for help.”

I thought about that instead of the rest of the lesson. I think it is true in general, and not just in parent/child relationships. Think of people at work who are always complaining about the boss. They may be capable of doing a good job, but you can’t always trust them to do it. It is the same in Church callings, only without the ability to enforce the supervision. You will never see anyone who is an effective employee or even an effective leader who shows resentment for supervision.

That said, I think that it is especially true in the context that President Packer placed it. And it is true for all ages. How often have we heard a little child say, “I can do it myself!” Usually the truth of the matter is that you can never be sure that the child can really “do it myself” until they are comfortable letting someone watch them do it. It is especially true for parents’ relationships with teenagers and young adults. None of you are quite there yet. Noah is just about to teen-age, when a person misplaces his common sense indicator and most of the rest of his mind for the next seven years.

So what lesson is there in this for each of us? I think it is an easier concept to appreciate for a parent (supervisor) than for a child (employee), but harder to implement. As a parent you can’t demand that a child quit resenting your supervision. You also can’t tell the child that as soon as they don’t show resentment you will stop your supervision. You have to be close enough to the child to know when the acceptance of supervision is real.

As a child, or other person on the receiving end of supervision, it is a hard concept to accept. The scriptures are full of admonitions about reaching this level with God’s supervision: “Be thou humble and the Lord thy God will lead thee by the hand…” “…become as a little child…” “…willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him…” etc. With people who have supervisory positions over us it can be hard because we may think we know more than they do – and we may be right – but we will seldom have any influence over their supervision if we resent it. The same holds true in our Church callings. Family relations are where it becomes hard. It seems to be human nature to push parental authority and resent it. In a way it is good because it prepares us to be independent. It is not good if we forget that the relationship is motivated by love since, if it is truly a loving relationship, how can supervision be anything but good? The best relationship is one where supervision is accepted as an opportunity to learn and to do better.

Assertiveness Training

When Oak had been in 1^st grade for several months, his teacher sent me a note asking for a special interview. I was surprised and hoped that nothing serious was wrong. It turned out that her concern was how easily Oak broke into tears. She said that he broke into tears when he didn’t know the answer or when he felt confused. She didn’t know why he didn’t feel more comfortable asking for help. It happened often enough, and Oak was old enough, that she felt something was wrong. She assumed that Mike and I were demanding, disapproving parents, and wanted to convince us to be more kind to Oak.

I was not surprised to hear what Oak’s teacher said. I knew that Oak “choked up” easily – when he was frustrated with something new on the piano, when he couldn’t do part of his homework, etc. He’s quiet and doesn’t insist on getting his way. He puts up with bullying and bossing from his older brothers. This is how Danny put it in 2004, when Oak was three: “Mommy, Oak’s not very good at something. He can’t talk me into things. Noah can talk me into things, but Oaky can’t talk me into things very well.”

At the time, I thought this was because Oak was 3 and Danny was 4, but then Mercy came along, and she could definitely get what she wanted at the age of 3. . .especially from Oak. Mike and I started seeing visions of the future - sweet, mumbling Oak, married to a domineering, ungrateful wife - him loving her whole-heartedly all the while. This is how it was with Oak and Mercy.

He has gotten much better at asserting himself in the last year or so. Mercy no longer has unlimited control. His teachers say that he doesn’t cry at school. I had stopped noticing when he gets teary-eyed at home. I’d almost stopped thinking about it at all. . . until our last two Sunday interviews.

Two weeks ago, when we interviewed Oak, we asked him if there was anything he’d like to do differently in his life, and his response was a broken-up, very soft-spoken, “Well, I’ve been thinking about scouts….” It turns out, after some delicate probing, that he’s been feeling very left out for months because we take Danny and Noah to scouts, but we often skip his scouts because it’s at a difficult time of day.

This week, we had a nice interview, mostly one-word answers from Oak, but it felt comfortable. But right when we were about to excuse him, I asked him how his personal scripture study was going, and instantly he was fighting back tears, and said in anguish, “I would kind of like some scriptures of my own, because I don’t have any to read at night.”

All my previous worries about Oak came flooding back. We think it’s sweet, and it is sweet, but Oak has a very hard time communicating what he wants and needs. And when he does communicate what he wants or needs, he is often overcome with strong emotions. It happens every few days. After he left, Mike and I decided to do our next family home evening lesson on assertiveness training. Fortuitously, it was Oak’s turn to give the lesson, so I helped him get it ready while in the car on Monday. Here is how the lesson went:

Definition of Assertiveness: Speaking in a strong and direct way. One way to be assertive is to use “will you” at the beginning of your request.

Two examples given by Oak:

1) Non-assertive: Maybe could you sometime think about taking me to get some, you know, new scriptures?

Assertive: Will you help me get some new scriptures?

2) Non-assertive: I was thinking that you might like to, sometime, think about getting baptized.

Assertive: Will you follow the example of Jesus Christ and be baptized?

Everyone think of two examples: Then we went around the room, and everyone gave two examples of non-assertive/assertive speaking. The two examples were supposed to be in two different situations (home, school, friend’s house, church, etc.)

Mercy (doesn’t get the full picture. . . . ):

Can I have a drink?

May I have a drink, please?

Danny:

(at school) Would you think about letting me go to the bathroom sometime in the next couple of hours, when possible?

May I go to the bathroom?

I’d like to play with a friend sometime if you’d let me.

Will you help me plan a time to play with a friend after school?

Noah:

Please, if possible, somebody pass the water.

Water!

I’d kind of like that back.

Give it back!

Mike:

I feel FRUSTRATED when the living room is so messy!

Will you boys please pick up the living room right now?

Will someone make sure the chart for room three is ready?

Laurie, will you make sure the chart for room three is ready?

Holly:

Why am I the only one working on dinner?

Mercy, will you come help me get dinner ready?

I’m afraid there might be a mistake on my bill. Why don’t you look it over?

Will you please recheck my bill?

Think of the Example of Jesus

The best part of the lesson was when we asked everyone to think of ways that Jesus was assertive. Cleansing the temple. Commanding evil spirits. Telling the apostles to let the children come to him.

Then we all laughed in amazement at the alternative. Imagine Jesus saying, “I was thinking you could follow some of what I say,” instead of, “Come follow me!”

Or, try to picture Jesus saying “try to be kind of better because your Father in Heaven is perfect” instead of “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in Heaven is perfect.” Or, “If you could please do a few nice things for other people, I would like it,” instead of “If you love me, feed my sheep.”

I don’t think this lesson will change everything for Oak. I’m not even sure this is the root of his issue – or if he even has an issue at all. (Although just as I was typing up this paragraph, he came to me, all choked up because he couldn’t find his scout book….) However, this family home evening was meaningful to me. It helped me glimpse the Savior in a new way, and also gave me insight into what it means to be more like him.

Seating Assignments

Have you found yourself identifying people by where they sat during Sacrament Meeting? If someone asks, “Who is so-and-so.” The answer is “She is the one who sits on the left side, near the front,” or “He is the one who sits in the back corner.” In other churches, parishioners have the chance to buy a pew, and then it is theirs. They can count on it being empty when they come to church. In our church, squatter’s rights usually prevail. Members choose their pew, but then make it a habit to sit there. It makes me wonder, “Can one tell something about a person by where he or she sits during Sacrament Meeting?

There are the usual reasons, like Family A who gets to church early and blocks out an entire row right in the middle to accommodate all of their kids, or Brother B who sits up front so he can hear. Less obvious but just as common is Sister C who sits next to the door so she can leave quickly and not talk to anyone, but wishes that someone would stop her. Family D sits right in the middle in the front so that their kids will be quiet, and Family E sits right in the back for the same reason. Missionaries sit in the back so they can see if investigators come in, and then end up sitting by no one.

When I was Ward Mission Leader, one of my soapbox speeches was to try to get each member to sit by someone – anyone – and not by themselves. I got the impression that the members would mentally roll their eyes and think, “Not that again!” I had a little more success with the missionaries, but not much.

This essay is wandering off in a direction that I didn’t expect. I intended to examine what could be told about personality types by where the person sits – eager learners in front, shy people on the side, non-participators in the back, Republicans on the right, Democrats on the left, the “in group” in the middle, the “outsiders” by the doors, and rabble rousers like Joyce and me sitting in a different place each Sunday and displacing the occupants. Instead, it seems to be headed toward the reasons why it is more natural to keep to ourselves.

In my parents’ day, people would spend evenings visiting. They would sit on the porch and wait for neighbors or go and visit themselves. We don’t have porches, but found out as missionaries that people still like to visit. Young people now are being conditioned against it. Everything encourages avoiding contact. Earphones isolate them from sound; video games, from interacting; and even so-called “social networking” is an excuse for not having to meet face to face. In church, we don’t want to encroach on someone’s space, don’t want to put someone out, don’t want to crowd them, don’t want our children to bother them. But is it that we don’t want to bother them, or that we don’t want them to bother us?

Get out of your comfort zone!

Change. That’s a word that we’ve heard a lot of recently. As the big buzz word during the elections, people acted excited for change, and even said they wanted it. It’s even been the slogan of a politician in Afghanistan recently. But have you ever noticed that the only change people will support, is something that gives them something?

When it comes to change, most people don’t actually like it. In many cases even if it makes things easier in the long run. For example, I have dealt with a few clients recently that switched over to a new computer software. For the first year or more, everyone who used the old software hated the change, even if the new stuff was better, faster, and could do more for them. It required a shift in thinking, and put them outside of their comfort zone, and people don’t like that.

I heard an interesting idea. If you have something you have to do, that you are nervous about, find something you are scared of more, and do that first. Then when you get back to the thing you have to do, it won’t be so bad. The example they used was, if you need to do a presentation in front of someone that makes you nervous, find someone who makes you more nervous and practice your presentation on them. I don’t think I will be following that advice, but it is interesting to think about.

My mission president challenged us to get out of our comfort zone many times. (I’m sure that’s a common theme among mission presidents) He was pretty specific for about a month. He challenged us to go into businesses and talk to the manager about giving a presentation about the Book of Mormon to their employees, on the grounds that it would help them be more productive and happy. We actually did it a few times – well, we talked to the managers about it, but we never got a meeting set up. But that was probably the farthest outside of my comfort zone I got on my mission. I don’t know why it is harder to talk to a businessman about making a presentation. Probably because it felt a lot more formal, and I don’t do well in formal situations.

Anyway, I just looked back over what I wrote and realized that I really haven’t said anything that y’all haven’t heard already. It’s good to be reminded of these things occasionally, though.

Bread is the staff of life

Bread is the staff of life. Bread, we know, can be very good for our body if it is made with the right ingredients, and for me at least, if I don’t eat too much of it.

Shirley told me she was going to attend a class to learn how to “make bread in one hour.” I didn’t ask her how the class went, but the concept is great. It seems to me that the key to making bread fast is to use a mixer of some kind, and then to know how to form the loaves quickly.

Making our own bread has the definite advantage of our being in control of what goes into the bread. It has the definite disadvantage of being so good that we eat more of it than we should. So what should we do?

When I was a young mom I made bread all the time. I thought I could not afford a mixer to help with the process. It was messy and time consuming, but it was very good to eat and very inexpensive. It seemed to be worth the effort and time.

In looking back I wish I would have saved pocket change for a year or how ever long it would have taken to earn enough money to buy a Bosh mixer or a Kitchen Aid mixer, or what ever, to make the bread more quickly, and then use that extra time to play a game with Jonathan and Jared, or go shopping with Holly and Robin. By the time Dan and Andrew came around I didn’t even make bread any more – or did I – I don’t remember.

I want to start making bread again. I want a mixer to help me this time. I better start saving. It will be great to know what goes into the bread. But then will I eat too much?